Another few months, another long hiatus, another swathe of the same excuses: no time, no inspiration, no energy. I want to blame time most of all, because there are weeks when I have no time to breathe it seems, let alone write novels and posts about novels; or energy, because after two weeks where I haven't so much as had half an hour to just sit and watch some TV or play a game, sometimes you need to just take a nap in that half-hour you do have; or inspiration, cos it's not like I'm burning with it at the moment.
But I know the truth is that recently it's just been... my values. Not that they're in the wrong place, but they aren't in this place.
It's easy to get bogged down in... all of it. I work like, a regular full-time amount, but it's been sapping my energy to spend on other stuff, which is why I'm dropping down to four days a week after Christmas. I go to the gym or swim four times a week, which is only four hours out of 168, but it's still a big commitment, y'know. I run D&D once a fortnight and each session takes a few hours to plan, and more brain energy outside of that to come up with the fun stuff; I play most weeks on top of that which is a few more hours; I go out to board game nights or date nights or walks in the park or to see movies; until recently, I had a partner to give my time and energy to.
I could have carved more time for writing, by telling him more firmly that I wanted to write tonight and wouldn't be watching Grey's Anatomy today. I could have saved my energy for writing, by cancelling gym one evening a week. I could have generated more inspiration, by dropping D&D and using my crucial creative brain space for writing instead.
But I haven't been doing any of that. And it sounds like I'm whining, but... I do love all of those things.
Thinking about my writing and this blog makes me feel like a shadow, and I think that's made me realise that my values right now aren't exactly where I want them to be. I don't know - ironically, it's something work has been big on lately. My line manager told me to move a meeting, even though it inconvenienced her, because I off-handedly mentioned I'd have to cancel my ritualised Monday evening gym session, and she could tell that it was important to me. It's for the same reason that I asked them to drop me back down to four days a week: I'm doing my best on every front right now, but my best isn't what I want it to be. I talked about wanting more time to rest or relax, wanting to be able to do things I love on weekends and clean and run errands and see people and still have energy for work on Monday morning, and that's all true - but it's an example of a shift in my whole values.
And another example is that I want to start writing again.
I miss Sylv. I miss him so much. Writing hasn't been the same since I finished him. Finishing a novel always leaves a hole in my life, and I'll take a break and fill the hole with D&D or partying or art or a new relationship, and then eventually, there'll be another hole, and writing will fill it. I don't really like that analogy, because my whole thing is about accepting the empty space inside you and not trying to fill it, but... I don't know.
I miss Sylv. I'm burned out. I balance my life as best I can. I want to write again. I don't want to stop doing anything I'm doing right now. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm happy where I am. I want to be somewhere else.
I'm a shadow at the moment.
I'm trying.
I'll start writing again.
