On Sylv, Spoilers, and Triggers

Yet again, I find myself preparing to start a post along the lines of "This seems like a dumb excuse to write a post, but..." but...

 

Okay, I got nothin'.

 

Sylvestus Vol II is currently undergoing a beta-read by a good friend and fellow writer. It's weird for a couple of reasons, all of which kind of come down to this being the first time in a long time someone with investment in the characters and world has read something I've written pre-publication, and as such has creative and editorial input... as well as just being able to yell "OMFG THEY DIDN'T" and spam me with exclusive memes sometimes. Friends used to read chapter-by-chapter as I wrote and vice versa, but as we all grew up this became impractical, and the last few times I've asked a non-professional to do a formal beta-read, things have gone badly (mostly in terms of them making promises and never coming through, which we all do sometimes, but it puts a strain on relationships and creativity, and made me hesitant to ever ask anyone i cared about to do it again). I'm glad I did, because she's great and it's going to be really healthy for the final product, but it still has weirdnesses.

 

For one, it's nerve-wracking as f*ck; I care deeply what she thinks as someone who I know has investment in the world and characters, and also as another good writer. The first time she sent anything approaching a negative piece of feedback (pointing out that a paragraph i already knew was sh*t was, though she phrased it much more politely and professionally, sh*t), I had to sit motionless and regulate my breathing for ten minutes so I wouldn't throw up with anxiety. I still have to manage that response every time it happens though it's gotten easier, and that's in no way a criticism; I wouldn't want someone who pulls punches, because sometimes as a writer you need to be punched out of your annoying foibles and punctuation habits (listen, i know i overuse the "mid-sentence ellipses to indicate a thoughtful or hesitant pause in the narrator's thoughts", but consider sylv makes a lot of thoughtful or hesitant pauses altho i will concede, yes, yes that is far too many, you could turn it into a drinking game and be unconscious by chapter 10).

It's also exciting, and the best feeling when she picks up on exactly the hint I was laying down, and amusing when she picks up exactly the red herring on the next page, and perplexing when she points out a character's response I barely thought about when writing it, and frustrating when she questions something I thought was obvious...

All of which are super important and the exact reason for a beta-read of someone who understands and cares about the story and characters. It was definitely the kind of care that was missing from Vol I, but there was just no-one I trusted who also had the time, and while a professional paid editor can point out your ellipses obsessions, they just don't have the same dedication to the story as a friend and, dare I say, fan.

That feels weird to say. Fan. Do I have a fandom?? It has like four people and a German shepherd in it if so, but I'll take it.

Anyway, there is one specific weird thing I wanted to highlight because it's relevant at the point she's at, and also kind of... where I'm at in the write/edit/publish/live journey. As the title says: Sylv, spoilers, and triggers.

Writing Vol II was triggering as all hell at points. It's triggering to read. In a couple of different ways. I want to talk about it when I'm on the bus listening to the Sylvestus playlist. I want to talk about it when I'm writing those parts. I want to talk about it when I re-read them. I want to talk about it when she reads them. I want to talk about it when a new reader mentions the allusions in Vol I.

Buuut it's all huge spoilers for late-game Vol II, so I've kept my mouth shut for about four years, because precisely one (1) person knows the full story of Sylv, and it's not fair to overload them every time you listen to the playlist on the damn bus. And I'll have to keep my mouth shut for another four months or so, or basically as long as I can last after publication. I've considered writing something and just saving it as a draft to publish when the time is right, but it doesn't feel appropriate because things change so much; I could have done that dozens of times in the past four years, and my views and feelings now are different to what they were then. Yet I also want to capture how I feel about it now, y'know?

I don't have answers, which is why, yet again, I'm writing a rambling blog post with a roundabout point on the subject.

I'll be very honest, too; another reason I'm writing this now is that I encountered a fairly big trigger in my regular life, and Sylv is a big refuge for me from that. I've gotten into the habit of re-reading the chapters I know are triggering for me when I already feel bad, because together they form a cathartic arc. But I did that like two days ago and I didn't want to saturate myself by reading them again because that way lies madness and "every word i write is incomprehensible garbage" - aaand she's about to hit that point, which means that in the next two weeks or so I'm gonna have to go through them all in deep discussion/edit/ellipses-removal anyway.

And I wanted to tell her about it and what was going through my head, because it was very personal but also interesting in relation to him and the story, but I... didn't, because... it was spoilers. And it kind of reminded me of everything around this *gestures to previous paragraphs* which is weird for me.

I think it will be good to eventually be able to talk about Sylv in all the full truth of his story. Both books are, but especially Vol II, about openness, with oneself and others, with becoming known, with vulnerability and its rewards. Yet ironically, I've been uncharacteristically careful with guarding his secrets, perhaps because everyone I would want to tell makes up the biggest base of people whom I want to experience the story without spoilers or preparation. Sylv has become a huge intersection of coping mechanism, personal project, and professional interest, and the boundaries are hard to define and maintain. And it has been interesting, to see what people pick up on and miss, bring up and skirt around, but it will be good to be able to finally talk openly on this blog about Sylv and, idk, sh*t like the ending of the book.

Sylvestus Vol II: The Rise is going to be extremely good, and it's going to be in no small part because of this experience and the person behind it. But it's also going to be good for me, I think. I said when I was racing through the second half of the novel in April-ish that I was terrified of the end and what that meant - letting go of Sylv - but as that approaches, I see the catharsis it will bring. I am Sylv sinking into the blood-tinted water: he seems at peace, but in Epilogue, we do not know why, cannot yet understand what brought this man to this point.

By Prologue, we understand. Or, I hope we do. I guess I'll find out when she gets there.

Until then, it will keep being weird. That's nothing new, though, for me or this book.