Poem: The Fifth of November

CW: break-ups, pet death, suicidal ideation, depression

When I was a kid, Bonfire Night was my favourite day of the year, the only holiday I always loved, better than Halloween or Easter or Christmas. The past three Bonfire Nights in a row have had significant traumas and hardships associated with them, to the point that I do not think I will ever be able to take it back, to enjoy the day again. This is a poem about trying to reclaim that day, that love. It is dated 12th February 2021 and contains description of break-ups, pet death, and depressive periods.

The Fifth of November:

Remember, remember,

being prone on the floor of your bedroom,

mind strobing in and out, body paralysed –

“non-epileptic seizure”; voice on the phone

to your housemate, body just shutting down,

a brain so certain it cannot survive that it

turns off everything it can, only the damned

heart still beating despite your best efforts,

even the lungs trying not to work, conscious

but immovable staring at the door with eyes

that will not blink for ninety-five minutes,

the mark the carpet left on your cheek for

two days, the bruises from the fall, the words

you would write poems about for years.

 

Remember, remember,

holding him against you as the needle goes

in, the panting, lolling tongue resting on

your arm going dry, panicked brown eyes

you had stared into so many times glazing

over, the softness of his ears you will never

forget, the way you kissed his forehead

over and over, tried to inhale his warmth

as if you could hold it in your lungs forever,

“he’s holding on, I’ll deliver a second dose

now”, the scream building inside you that

you would hold in until the car, the marks

your nails left on the hard rubber of the

floor, a permanent record of your grief.

 

Remember, remember,

curled up on the sofa, numb and quiet, a

global exhaustion stretching into a months-

long silence, the smell of damp that would

worsen and refuse to leave in an empty flat

that slowly crushed you for six months, the

decay growing over your books like you

wished it would grow over your bones, all

meaning of time and celebration long gone,

wondering how you will lie to an eight year-

old tomorrow who looks at you with trust and

adoration that you didn’t spend the night curled

in silence trying not to hear the fireworks, after

telling her it was your favourite day of the year.

 

Remember, remember,

holding the sparkler, the glee of letting out a

shriek as it swarmed around your hand, the

softness of a glove and the cold of the air,

the glow of the huge bonfire warming you

from fifty feet back, the smell of it in your hair

for days, wood and smoke and joy, the crunch

and sweet of a toffee apple, the crush of the

crowd you could ignore by focusing on the sky,

bursting with colours you would try to hold

in your eyes forever, the dizziness that came

from staring up for too long, spinning around

and pretending to fall, absolutely enchanted

by the light and colour and warmth and noise.

A Deep Dive into the Sylvestus Playlist

There's only one playlist for both Vol I and Vol II of Sylvestus, but I did update the playlist between them (apologies to anyone who particularly loved the original and hates the updated one - it's only a few different songs and tbh i can't remember what i took out now, but there's probably some old screenshots floating around somewhere). I've also done some art pieces inspired by the scenes or characters some of those songs relate to, though I never committed to making it a proper series as I've never completed any kind of art challenge and probably never will. So, I figured I'd go a little deeper in this post into what those songs mean for Sylv, the story, and me!

Major spoilers ahead for both volumes of Sylvestus. Mention of non-explicit themes of trauma and recovery.

As you read, you can listen to the playlist here:

If that isn't working, you can also search for "Sylvestus" on Spotify, or, idk, look at the track list below and individually find all the songs on YouTube.

Let's get started!

This Night - Black Lab

 

"So take this night / wrap it around me like a sheet / I know I'm not forgiven but I need a place to sleep / So take this night / lay me down on the street / I know I'm not forgiven but I hope that I'll be given some peace / Some peace"

 

This was the first song I ever associated with Sylv, and its lyrics are handwritten on the first piece of art I ever did of him, over six years ago, pretty much the same day I conceived of him (see this compared to a year-old piece below).

Sylv was quite a bit different then, as you can imagine. But this song encapsulates the core character I started with: a powerful, charismatic, dark figure in the daytime; haunted by night terrors that chase him down to sleep. He knows he's done bad things and that what happens now is his own fault, he's not asking to be forgiven, he just wants to give up and find rest. Thus, this is the song I imagine over Epilogue, and it was fitting that it go first on the playlist. Of course, by the end of Vol II, we realise that it is not giving up and finding rest at all, but that's the core of Sylv and how his character changed. He keeps going, but what he's going toward is different.

ID: a digital painting of Sylv, a white man with short dark hair wearing a brown tunic, brown boots, and a red cloak. He is sat hunched over with his head between his arms, his cloak pulled under him, his feet apart. His expression is one of despair. The background is dark and cloudy, and the shadows are painted in blue and green. End ID

ID: a traditional painting of Sylv. He is dressed in the same red cloak, a red tunic, and grey armour, with short dark hair in a slightly different hairstyle to the previous painting. He is in the image twice, in the first panel leaning on a brown wall looking down, and in the second panel standing straight, looking forward, and smiling. The background is pale grey and the lyrics to Black Lab's This Night are written in black pen around the edges. End ID   

Bullet in a Gun - Imagine Dragons

 

"The Roman King, the Romulus / the precipice, born to change ... Lose the mind, lose yourself / you only care about fame and wealth / Bullet in a gun, but in the end my time will come / Like a bullet in a gun, blood sweat and tears to be the one"

 

This one's p shallow in comparison to This Night lol. It mentions insanity and losing yourself, it mentions selling out for wealth, p standard stuff of which there are many songs, some of which are also on the playlist. I just chose this one cos it's also a jam with a nice beat and it mentions a "Roman king". I'm a sucker for a loose association on a good jam.

Wolves Without Teeth - Of Monsters and Men

 

"I can see through you / we are the same / It's perfectly strange / you run in my veins / How can I keep you / inside my lungs / I breathe what is yours / you breathe what is mine"

 

This is more of an abstract one. I chose the lines above for this post because you could very much make a Sylv/Nahvo'que comparison there, but that wasn't really my intention when I chose it. It's more of a vibe. It takes third position on the playlist because it's introducing the reader slash listener to Anteria, and Sylv's relationship to Anteria and Nahvo'que. You could also make a case for wolves and Vishade'que, and the song's references to sleep and Sylv's night terrors. Idk, it's just a vibe innit.

Which Witch - Demo/Bonus Track - Florence + the Machine

 

"Who's a heretic now? / Am I making sense? / How can you make it stick? / Waiting 'til the beat comes out"

 

This track's placement in the playlist is very simply because it represents Lavi's introduction to the story, and her role for most of Vol I. I can't really pin it down to a lyric or a theme (religion and imprisonment both feature, but they do so in a lot of Florence + the Machine's songs, what made this one special?) - it's just, once again, The Vibe. I always consider taking it off and then don't cos those drums and claps Get to Me.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics

 

"Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to be used by you / Some of them went to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused"

 

... it's just a jam, folks. A long, long time ago, when Sylv was no more than a few scribbled chapters and a grand idea, a friend told me this line reminded them of him, and it's had an honourary place on the playlist ever since. For Divites, Lavi, Aemilius, Capito, Velleius, Pulex, Rom - and it's a really good dance tune. The playlist needed something lighter, y'know?

Control - Halsey

 

"I paced around for hours on empty / I jumped at the slightest of sounds / I couldn't stand the person inside of me / I turned all the mirrors around ... And all the kids cried out / "Please stop, you're scaring me" / I can't help this awful energy / Goddamn right, you should be scared of me / Who is in control?"

 

I've loved how perfectly these lyrics (and the rest of the song) match up with Sylv's descent into madness at the hands of Nahvo'que for years. Plus the neurotic circling of the instruments feeling reminiscent of someone pacing their rooms in tighter and tighter circles, caught up in the mind-mangle of their own head.

This song was also on the Vol I playlist, and comes early on in it, despite the fact that the lyrics match up much better to the end of Vol II between Lavi's death and Sylv's, because like. Foreshadowing bro. It's what Sylv will eventually become, but the signs were there from the start.

Pursuit of Happiness - Lissie

 

"Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night / 5am, cold sweats, waking up to the sky? / Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams? / Tell me what you know about night terrors? Nothing / You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow / Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow / I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know / everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold / Hey, I'll be fine once I get it / I'll be good"

 

There comes a point in Sylv and Lavi's relationship where they really start challenging each other; narratively it's more in Vol II, but I keep this song here to indicate what they have yet to come. They're both idiots tumbling into a friendship they don't understand. They're both in their late 30s, but Lavi is broken open from grief, impulsively letting herself be captured in a hare-brained "plan" to use Sylv to free her god; Sylv is cracked with a different kind of pain, unfamiliar with friendship and intimacy, planning to use Lavi to further oppress her people. When applied to them, the verse about night terrors is almost confrontational - they can't imagine what the other has been through... until they do. It also discusses this idea of both of them searching for something that will bring them ultimate unbreakable happiness, something equally impossible for each: for Sylv, his smallholding on Macedonia; for Lavi, a world ruled by Nahvo'que where she can be with her family again.

I Fought Piranhas - The White Stripes

 

"And I fought piranhas / And I fought the cold / And there was no-one with me / And I was all alone"

 

Another less the lyrics and more The Vibe. Arguably its position about halfway through the playlist indicates the end of Vol I and specifically the Aemilius/Capito plot, because the song as a whole is definitely there for Sylv's business dealings and crookery, both now and in the past. At the end of Vol I, he seems to have sided with Capito and Velleius to drive Aemilius and Camillus out of business, but we get the sense that this alliance won't survive the next book. After all, Sylv always ends up all alone.

 

Wolves - Single Version - Rag'n'Bone Man

 

"Keep the wolves from the door / I hear 'em scratching like I don't know better / Won't you keep the wolves from the door / It won't be long before I cave in and open up the door"

 

Normally I try to space out tracks on the playlist that have a similar theme or sound, but this one largely does represent Sylv on that grind to rip people off and make dolla. Though, I do think it demonstrates more what he's running from, rather than what he's driving to.

Arsonist's Lullaby - Hozier

 

"All you have is your fire / and the place you need to reach / Don't you ever tame your demons / but always keep them on a leash"

 

Ahh yes, the basic b*tch playlist choice of every morally grey protagonist. Looking at the lyrics about growing up haunted by inner demons and trying to overcome them, it's easy to apply this track to Sylv, and that definitely is a part of it, especially at the end of Vol I. But I also really like it as a Lavi song. After all, it is Lavi who is described as having "something powerful, something dark" inside her, Lavi who wants to see the world burn to free her god. Both Sylv and Lavi are driven by that dark ugliness inside themselves to do what they do, but both of them must learn to tame it or fall prey to it. Bruliinae helped tame Lavi's fire, Lavi and Rom and Pulex helped stabilise Sylv, but in the end, when they end up alone... all they have is their fire.

Ready to Let Go - Cage the Elephant

 

"Don't you worry baby / No sense tryna change it / I'm gon strike these matches / Never had control / I'm ready to let go now / Was I fooling myself? / I'm gon spread these ashes / Never had control / I'm ready, I'm ready / I'm ready to let go"

 

UGH. I really just. Love this song. I love the sound, I love the lyrics, I love the Sylv/Lavi connection. Sylv admitting that he never had control, burning it all down. Given that at this point in the playlist we're kind of representing the start of Vol II, he won't be ready to let go of Lavi for a long time, but the playlist needed a bop and I like to think of it as a "looking forward" song, especially after what Arsonist's Lullaby just told us.

 

ID: a digital painting of Sylv and Lavi from the shoulders-up. Lavi is a south-east Asian woman with her hair bound in red braids. She is facing to the left. Behind her and upside-down, Sylv is facing to the right. They are both highlighted in orange and shadowed in blue. The background is an inverted photo of the Roman Forum ruins, faded on parchment. End ID

Glory and Gore - Lorde

 

"No-one round here's good at keeping their eyes closed / The sun's starting to light up when we're walking home / Tired little laughs, gold-lie promises: "we'll always win at this" / I don't ever think about death / It's all right if you do, it's fine / We gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves / Roughing up our minds so we're ready when the kill time comes / Wide awake in bed, words in my brain / "Secretly you love this, do you even wanna go free?" / Let me in the ring, I'll show you what that big word means"

 

Ooh that was a big lyric chunk, sorry. But this whole verse really stands out to me as being about the Romans, specifically the munifex, specifically the boys Sylv manipulates and twists. Divites, Musca, and Aquila, all people whose insecurities and masculinity Sylv exploited under the banner of serving Romanum imperium to serve his own ends. Even Velleius - while he's never been bothered about slaughtering natives, he does come to struggle with Sylv's agenda and the manipulative relationship they put each other in. Plus gladiators, Romans, you know how it be.

Third Eye - Florence + the Machine

 

"Hey, look up! / You don't have to be a ghost here amongst the living / You are flesh and blood / and you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you are given / 'Cos there's a hole where your heart lies / and I can see it with my third eye / and oh, my touch it magnifies / You pull away, you don't know why"

 

Iiiiiit's another Sylv/Lavi song! I just really love their relationship and I really love this track for it. I don't even think I need to go into much detail on this one; the lyrics kinda speak to their relationship and where it goes, and while things may end badly, I adore the hopefulness of this one.

But, secret... it's also a Sylv/Velleius song. Arguably Sylv does know why he pulls away from Velleius, but this comes into question as he grows closer and more vulnerable with several people.

A Little Wicked - Valerie Broussard

 

"No-one calls you honey when you're sitting on the throne / I'll be high up in that tower, he'll be down there getting stoned / Beware the patient woman 'cos this much I know: / No-one calls you honey when you're sitting on a throne"

 

A lot of the tracks on the Sylvestus playlist - and on the 5 hr writing version I have, which has some much more tenuous connections in it - are kind of ~female empowerment~ anthems. It was mostly these which I had first, the majority of other tracks on the playlist you see came a lot later - it relates a lot to Sylv's gender and sexuality issues in the culture of ancient Rome, which I have talked about before, but what Vol II touches on a lot more (and something I therefore plan to talk about eventually) is the privilege of his masculinity. Hispania calls him out on it, but the She-wolf, as his female sex worker foil and an enemy from his past, represents it best, which is why this track is on there for her, not for Sylv. Lorem Lupa is not a good person, but she is fascinating. She will do anything to sit on that throne, no matter who gets hurt.

ID: a digital painting of Lucia Lorem Lupa, the She-wolf. She is a white woman with long dark brown hair, standing facing the viewer with her legs apart and her shoulders back proudly. She is wearing a pink dress, a gold necklace, band, and belt, and has a wolf-headed dagger strapped to her left thigh. End ID

Life in Her Yet - Rag'n'Bone Man

 

"She still remembers a time that was uncomplicated / but sure as the sunrise she's seen things that you'll never know / losses and heartache amount to her strength / but oh, how they both take their toll / She's still here fighting, you better know / there's life in her yet"

 

Oh nooooo oh noo ohohoh nooooooo yeah it'ssssss Lavi's death song! That scene is my least favourite to write and read, but one that has taken among the most revisiting and redrafting of any in all volumes and drafts, because it deserves the best. It's probably the oldest Lavi song I have on this playlist. And tbh, there's not much more I can add beyond what's in the song and what's in the scene.

Run Boy Run - Woodkid

 

"Tomorrow is another day / and you won't have to hide away / You'll be a man, boy / but for now it's time to run / It's time to run"

 

The ultimate one-person concert jumping song! Do yourself a favour and watch the live version if you haven't seen it (and if u don't hate the song, i guess).

Pretty simple; it represents Sylv running away from his pater on that one morning, sprinting through the countryside as fast as he could as dawn broke, knowing that if he slowed for a second he would crack and go back and never try to leave again; and it represents that he's still running, always has been.

The drawing i did to accompany it is of Rom, because Rom, while his only companion and for many years his only source of vulnerability, also represents him clinging onto that legacy, taking his pater's dogs with him even while making them his own symbol.

Also because Rom was a lot easier to draw running than 15 y/o Sylv (i tried, several times).

ID: a digital painting of Romulus, a Molossus dog who looks like a kangal dog. He has thick cream fur with dark brown paws, ears, and muzzle, and golden eyes. He is running to the right with his tail high. The background is shades of blue altered to make it look as though Rom is sprinting past. End ID

 

Praying - Kesha

 

"You brought the flames and you put me through hell / I had to learn how to fight for myself / And we both know all the truth I could tell / I'll just say this: I wish you farewell / I hope you're somewhere praying, praying" 

 

There's definitely a full post somewhere about the surprising yet undeniable Christianity of Sylvestus, particularly Vol II, and its themes of forgiveness, so this seemed an apt choice. It's an unusual vibe and message for a song, but one I get along with very well. Sylv will never get justice for everything that happened to him, his pater will never repent or make amends, and in the end what Sylv needed to do was say goodbye for good and know that he would not let him haunt him any longer. And hope that maybe others who have considered themselves as unforgiveable and irredeemable as Sylv felt can find their forgiveness too.

Caught - Florence + the Machine

 

"And I'm caught / I forget all that I've been taught / I can't keep calm, I can't keep still / Pulled apart against my will"

 

I have taken this track off the playlist and added it back on a half-dozen times, mostly because I didn't really want to have four songs by the same artist and this was the one that skimmed the cut. It's been on the playlist for years, and originally to me was loosely about Sylv and Lavi and their inherently unbalanced relationship - but as I came to the end of Vol II, I realised how much more I love it for Velleius. He knows better, has known how it would end since the start, but they sunk their hooks in each other and couldn't pull free.

It Only Gets Much Worse - Nate Ruess

 

"I was born before the storm / My mother placed a dozen thorns / The sorrys and the take it backs / lay silent in her folded hands / Oh, head to headstone I just danced / oblivious to consequence / As morning sank into the ground / the highest branch I sought it out ... All your love may fade away / All you'll become may all go to waste / So I can't stand to hear you say it hurts / when it only gets much worse"

 

There's no real connection to Sylvestus here, apart from "I used to listen to the Grand Romantic album a lot when I was first writing Sylv" and "something about motherhood, Sylv not knowing his, the brief insight we get into Lavi's deep relationship with hers, futility, suffering, something". It keeps the playlist diverse at least 🤷‍♂️

Foreigner's God - Hozier

 

"Her eyes look sharp and steady / into the empty parts of me / but still my heart is heavy / with the hate of some other man's beliefs ... Screaming the name of a foreigner's god / The purest expression of grief"

 

Time to be Sad About Lavi and Kahickuen Again.

It's really the most classic, OG Lavi song for me, with insanely powerful lyrics in that context and Hozier's sweet sweet voice.

Emperor's New Clothes - Panic! at the Disco

 

"If it feels good, tastes good / it must be mine / Heroes always get remembered / but you know legends never die / And if you don't know, now you know / I'm taking back the crown / All dressed up and naked / See what's mine and take it / The crown / So close I can taste it / See what's mine and take it"

 

Remus is free and it's gonna make this everyone's problem. The song captures the vibe of those few late chapters very well, from Remus' perspective at least; for Sylv, it's more like...

 

The Sound of Silence - Disturbed

 

"Hello darkness, my old friend / I've come to talk with you again"

 

This cover of Simon & Garfunkel's soft acoustic classic is... certainly something. In terms of genre, it's not super my thing, and oh man, The Sound of Silence is sooooo overdone, right? But... something about the two together really speaks to me. Call me an emo.

Specifically, too, the original was one of the songs the creator of Remus/Nahvo'que originally picked out for it/him. She had this idea of the vengeful fiery god of death possessing a mortal tiger by the name of Remus, who was then going to attempt to pass the curse off onto Sylv; she kindly let me adapt this into what eventually became the plot of Sylvestus, the tiger already possessed (the loose canon implied in the text is that a cub's mother was killed by Capito and Divites - becoming the symbol of the Tiger's Jaw Inn and also of the Vol I cover - and that the cub crawled into Nahvo'que's templum to die, becoming his preferred mortal host when Sylv partially frees Nahvo'que at the end of Vol I) and now in pursuit of Sylv's soul. The "silence" is what Sylv faces in his night terrors, in the mirror, but it's also the lurking burning dark in which he, and all of Nahvo'que's other hosts - tiger, moth, shrew - are trapped.

Seven Devils - Florence + the Machine

 

"Holy water cannot help you now / Thousand armies couldn't keep me out / I don't want your money / I don't want your crown / See, I've come to burn your kingdom down ... Seven devils all around me / Seven devils in my house / They were there when I woke up this morning / And I'll be dead before the day is done"

 

If This Night is what plays over Epilogue, Seven Devils is what plays over Prologue: the same chapter, but also completely different in our perspective and understanding of it. I don't have too much to say other than that this is a very powerful song that very much encapsulates those final moments as Nahvo'que chases Sylv down into the dark. And he stops being afraid. Big trailer music energy y'know.

ID: a digital painting of a man's chest in muted colours of pale blue, purple, and grey, with rough sketched lines in brighter versions of those colours. The lungs, stomach, and liver are highlighted, however where the heart should be is a moth. End ID

Hope you enjoyed this deep dive into the official Sylvestus playlist! Buy your copy of Vol II now here, or find out more here.